Story of my baby's gender...

Hyenas....

Have i ever told you the story about the gender of my baby?...haha, yes, this is yet another baby post.

I'm one who is very concious about my body changes. Any changes, any pain, i will try to diagnose myself first, then only i went to the doctor. I even can identify why, how or what i ate that makes me feel like this. Anyway, who needs a degree to know stuff when you have internet right?...ekekke. So when i got pregnant, its me who actually detected my own pregnancy. Home pregnancy test cant even tell the result right at first. At first i was negative. I detected the early signs and I feel that i might be pregnant. Moreover my instinct is strongly saying i am. I have a reason to be pregnant. The second time after almost 2 weeks later, then only the pregnancy test kit give me correct result.

So, when i got pregnant, i have a feeling its a baby boy. So i trusted my instinct. I bonded to my baby, boy style. I sometimes talk about sports, about football....you know, about boy stuff. I imagine him to be a sportsman and lasak and clever like his dad. Sometimes i imagine my little boy playing football and me going to his every game and cheering his name until he got embarassed and forbid me to come to his game....hehe (biasa la....mama dia mmg selalu excited lebih).

At 4th month we tried to have a peek at baby's crotch. Masa tu baby kecik lagi. Aku ada gamba ultrasound dia, tp aku malas nak upload la. Masa tu dada dia sume kecik, kempis lagi. Nampak kepala je besar. Pastu doctor pusing2 mendalah ultrasound tu nak carik kangkang dia, tiba-tiba dia pusing. Tunjuk bum dia. Aku siap nampak buttcrack dia...haha. Ok, takpe fine.

At 5th month, kitorang gi checkup...and we tried to look for the crotch again. Doctor tu pusing2....aih, susah gak nak tgk. Dia kepit kaki kemain. Aku bleh nampak kaki dia rapat bersilang. Alahai baby mama....kemutnye nak tunjuk. Senang la mama nak beli baju kamu nanti kecit. Ok la....takpe la kan. Takde rezeki.

Masa ni perut aku dah nampak naik. Orang dah mula main teka-teka tengok perut aku. Mostly, like 95% kata boy. Masa ni aku juga sangat tidak sabar. Nak carik barang pun cam tak puas sebab nak kena carik kaler neutral2 gitu. I start to do silly quizzes for fun to see if i have a girl or a boy. Penantian ni sangat la menyeksakan.....hehehe. So the quizzes said im gonna have a boy....just like my insticnt. The chinese prediction calender (which is popular for predicting the right baby gender) said im gonna have a boy too.

Then i look at old wives tale of predicting baby's gender. All signs that i have points out that i might have a boy. The way my body change, the way i carry my stomach, the shape of my stomach, what i like to eat, do i get sick during pregnancy, am i moody during pregnancy, do i get a lot of pimples....until down to the colour of my urine....all point out im having a boy.

At 6th month.....check-up lagi. Doctor tu punya la tenyeh-tenyeh mendalah ultrasound tu kat perut aku. Mana la celah kangkang kecit ni....we need a clear view. Pastu doc tu kata... "Macam perempuan ni". Aku sedikit terkejut actually....ehehe. How come i didnt think it could be a girl? I wonder how come i was sure its a boy. Tapi tiba-tiba doktor kata dia tak sure jugak pulak. Kot kangkang dia kena cover oleh unbilical cord dia kan. Tau la kan, ultrasound ni kadang2 tak clear. Imej yang nampak dari ultrasound cam bayangan je.

Time tu aku terus ubah perception. I actually dont really have preference in gender. But i think it would be good to have a boy as my first child...boleh la dia jagakan adik dia ke ape ke kan. All this while, i bonded with my baby, boyish style. But now, this baby could be a girl. I could be seeing pinks and barbie dolls....not colour blue and football. I start to feel guilty. Aku mula ubah perception to be neutral. I start to feel more guilty. How come i become so selfish and readily think its a boy.

Oh my baby girl, im so sorry sayang. You must be freaked out to know i was expecting a baby boy when you're actually a baby girl. I love you just a much if you're a girl. Im so sorry baby girl.....i feel so guilty. If only i can hug my stomach and kiss my stomach.....but i cant reach my stomach. I feel so suilty to the point of teary eyes.....maybe some people think its a small deal. But i feel so guilty and selfish. I read stories about how baby girl zaman jahiliah dulu ditanam hidup-hidup....it makes me feel more guilty than ever. I dont know why....i am sappy nowadays anyway.

Yesterday, i went for a 3d scan at DEMC hospital, shah alam. I can see baby's sweet face....can see her fingers. Jari dia yang akan genggan tangan aku and Din masa jalan-jalan ke midvalley nanti... =). I can see her cuping telinga yang sama macam abah dia (jenis melekat terus gitu....hehe). Then again i ask the doctor to check her crotch. Doc check and said it could be a girl. I start imagining my little girl wearing the awesome looking gown i saw in the internet. It was all black, with white trimmings, white collar, white lace at the hem with white bow at the waist. Really pretty and smart. I smiled. I start imagining her to be really smart and asking lots of questions and also still lasak and cool like her momma....hehe.

But somehow in the 3d scan, it looks weird. Looks like there's something like a little too big to be a little vagina. Macam balls je. But its ok.

I have decided now....i wont bother about the jantina, ever. I wont ask doc to recheck baby's crotch again. I will look at baby's crotch by myself when baby is in my arms. Aku beli jer la baju kaler neutral comel-comel banyak-banyak for her early months. Then lepas aku dah kuat dan habis pantang, baru aku akan cari baju specific untuk dia. Boy or girl, it doesnt matter. We will love our baby wholeheartedly....

Sampai sekarang orang masih teka aku dapat baby boy. If i really get a baby girl, i am a living proof that all the signs and prediction cannot be trusted......at all....hehe.

Anyway, this is the picture of the 3d scan....isnt she a deary? =)

She is our deary.....

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Sappy ness

Hyenas.

Im in my 28th week. That would be in the 6 months. 3rd trimester. The last trimester. Cepat betul. Cepat cepat pun, memang 9 bulan la kan. Kau jadi gajah la kalau nak pregnant lama-lama. Setahun lebih tau gajah pregnant....dekat 2 tahun aku rasa. Aku tak tipu neh! And be rest assured, 85% of my post will be related to pregnancy and babies now....hehe.

Truthfully im never a fan of kids and babies, before. I dont hate them, dont get me wrong. Its just that, i dont coo around them, i dont melt around them, i dont become all excited and jumpy around them, and i dont have the feeling that i have to connect to them. Kalau budak-budak buat hal, i'll be calling their moms rather than memujuk. They have their own moms for god sake....isnt it? But now, i see babies and i feel a flutter in my stomach. And i love to see them smile and laugh. Give kids chocolates and see they smile ear to ear. Nampak gigi kecik-kecik putih tu, atau nampak gusi yang merah-merah....cam anak sedara aku yang 6 bulan tu. Humang haihh....comelnye. Kulit lembut gila, yang kita jangan mimpi la nak dapat. Kau pakai losyen yang dibuat daripada tahi platipus yang berharga ribu-ribuan sebotol pun tak dapat dah kulit camtu. (platipus is endangered species. some of platipuses family have already extinct)

My god, what the heck is that?...haha. I never had that feeling before. Is that what they call maternal instinct? Its the hormones! It makes me feel all sappy and soft too. Hati jadi lembut macam biskot meri yang kau cicah dalam Melo, pastu kau ralit tengok tv...pastu dia jadi lembek....hahaha. Bagus betul perumpamaan aku. Cikgu Bahasa Melayu pun tak terfikir camni tau! Usually im not sappy la. But nowadays i feel so sappy....its suffocating.

Sappy how? Like hati jadi cam lembut gitu. Dulu kalau kena marah, aku mungkin akan menjawab gak sedikit sebanyak. Tapi sekarang, kena marah je aku rasa sedih. Sampai nak nangis. Asyik nak merajuk je, i feel its ridiculous. Penat la akak camni. Tu kadang-kadang bila merajuk aku dok diam je layan perasaan sendiri...takot laki aku pun penat kang nak memujuk. Dia pun ada hal lain gak kan. Its a good thing that i realize ini semua perubahan disebabkan hormon dan pembawakan budak. Aku tak mahu terlalu mengikut perasaan.

Pastu kalau ada berita-berita buang baby dalam paper, hati aku down je. My heart really goes to the little helpless baby yang tidak diberi peluang langsung. Dia pergi buang darah daging dia sendiri! Padahal dulu aku tak la rasa cam sekarang. Dulu kalau ada berita baby kena buang, aku maki mak bapak budak tu....then i let it go. But now, this kind of news stays in my head for some time. Aku sangat simpati, kesian sangat dekat baby tu, sometimes to the point of teary eyes...dia kena tahan gigitan semut semua. Aku teringat kat anak aku...betapa bertuahnya kamu peanut. Lahir kamu dinanti-nanti. Mak bapak tak sabar nak curahkan kasih sayang dan berikan didikan sempurna. Belum lahir lagi, mak bapak dia dah rancang yang terbaik untuk dia. Tapi baby yang kena buang tu....... =(

Pastu kalau tengok movie-movie sedih, haihh...jangan cakap la kan. Memang diam-diam dan panic, mengelap air mata secara discreet. Cemana boleh nangis ni....bukan sedih sangat pun.

And also, its weird...now that im in third trimester, i feel sad that im gonna give birth soon. Normalkah? I feel sad that baby is leaving my body. I will miss his little kicks and flutter. I will miss this little human being inside me. Tapi mak aku kata....tunggu la 8 bulan nanti. Masa tu dah berat macam ape, you will wish nothing more than baby to leave your body. Hahaha.... yer la tu kan. But for this time being, i have some sadness that baby is leaving my body. Whenever i feel baby's movement, i smile and its very comforting. Lebih-lebih lagi dia tak pernah susahkan aku dgn aktiviti dia. Dia akan bermain bola sepak pada masa-masa tertentu sahaja. Dia takkan kacau time aku tido.....sebab dia pun sama tido malam. I hope peanut will continue this great timetable.

Sappy-sappy pun, World Cup sudah mahu mareyy....hahha. Aku cam biasa....sokong Portugal. Second team aku ialah Espana...hehe. Orang kata, apehal kau sampai ada dua team. Oh biasa....aku mmg selalu sokong dua team. Untuk mengurangkan kekecewaan. Satu team kalah, ada lagi satu kan....hahaha. Anyway, walaupun Portugal skang agak suam-suam kuku berbanding masa ada Figo dulu, baju merah-hijau tu jugak akan aku pakai nanti. Eh, jap.....dem, baju tu dah tak padan!

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My Dreams

Pregnancy is a weird duration in a woman's life. Really. So many changes. Suddenly your hair grows slower (or faster), your tummy got bigger, you feel hungry always, you gain weight, you have little human living in you, the little human kicks and make your body vibrate, certain part of your body swell, then you feel pain in some parts of your body...isnt it weird? Well, bende-benda tu biasa kan? Simptom-simptom perempuan mengandung. Ala, bengkak-bengkak semua, weight gain, sakit pinggang. But i bet some of you didnt know about other weird changes that happen. There are many other weird changes and one of it, is dreams.

During my pregnancy period, i have funky dreams. Tapi sblm pregnant pun aku selalu mimpi merapu meraban. Aku pernah mimpi jumpa kumpulan Westlife la (no, i'm never a fan of westlife) and the guys fall in love with me, i dreamt i chase an aeroplane, aku mimpi jumpe Kardashian sisters (in my dream, they are witches), aku mimpi kena kejar zombie dalam shopping mall....semua merapu kan.

Time pregnant ni, aku masih mimpi bende pelik-pelik, tapi sangatlah real ok. Vivid, lively, very detail dreams. Mimpi yang sangat detail, i can remember the colours, the scenes. Memang aku ada certain issues yang ada aku fikir sepanjang pregnancy ni, tapi takde la sampai aku depress ke, sampai terbawak dalam mimpi. Tapi bila aku fikir balik, mimpi-mimpi ni cam ada kaitan dengan issue-issue yang aku fikir.

Aku pernah a few times mimpi pasal perempuan lain. Aku mimpi Hubby aku kenalkan aku dengan sorang perempuan lain. Dalam mimpi tu aku emo gila. Tak lama pastu, aku mimpi perempuan lain lagi. Tapi kali ni aku mimpi aku belasah perempuan tu sampai puas hati. Well....hehehe, time aku pregnant, aku ada rasa tak cantik. Aku pernah risau figure aku lari, aku jadi gemuk. Aku takot aku pakai baju pun nampak cam pakai khemah atau payung terjun. Tapi sekarang aku tak rasa camtu dah. Banyak lagi benda lain aku kena fikir. And we have a wonderful relationship, me and Din. So aku rasa mimpi tu cam subconcious mind aku, risaukan Din cari perempuan lain.....tsk, i know, silly. But even if he does, i will do exactly like what i dreamt of =)

Aku pernah mimpi, jahitan appendix aku pecah sebab perut aku besar. In reality, aku punya appendix kena kerat masa aku umur 6 tahun. Dalam mimpi tu aku selamba pegang perut aku, darah membuak-buak. Isi perut aku nak terkeluar dah....hahhaa. Tapi aku kata kat semua org, siap aku angkat tangan kat atas, aku kata, "jangan risau, nak gi jahit dah ni". Aku pun gi hospital, nak jahit balik. This one, aku rasa berakar umbi dari ketakutan aku terhadap pregnancy ni. Aku takot aku ada complications yang membahayakan diri dan anak aku.

Ha, ada lagi satu mimpi yang hampir sama dengan yang ni. Dalam mimpi ni aku nangis gaban. Aku rasa aku nangis real gak time tu, sebab bantal aku cam basah. Aku mimpi, aku gi jumpe doktor. Scan baby semua. I still remember i can see the baby in the monitor. Pastu doktor tu geleng-geleng kepala. Aku dah risau gila. Doktor tu kata baby takda harapan. Aku nangis gila tergolek-golek dalam hospital tu. Takleh terima kenyataan langsung. Aku tanya doktor kenapa takda harapan? Doktor tu jawab, baby ni ada kurap. Ada kurap atas kepala dia. Pastu lagi la aku nangis menonggeng. Bila aku bangun, aku jadi gelak tergolek-golek plak. Bodoh doktor dalam mimpi aku ni. Sekolah tepi longkang gamaknye. Boleh plak baby ada kurap dalam perut, pastu takde harapan plak tu. Tapi bila aku bukak mata je, lega yang amat cos its just a dream. It was so very real sampai aku syukur gila itu hanya mimpi. My baby is safe, healthy and fine inside me. It stems from my worries about the health of my baby. Am i eating enough? Is he getting enough nutrient? Normal ke dia? Sihat ke dia? I wish i can know now...

I also dream that i gave birth to quadruplet. Gila ko, kembar 4. Tiga laki, satu pempuan. Aku ingat lagi, baby-baby tu sume kecik-kecik je. Besar kucing gitu kot. Pastu bleh plak aku mimpi sampai budak-budak tu dah besar. Gila fast forward. Yang anak lelaki nakal, selalu buli yang perempuan. Din plak selalu pujuk and dukung yang pempuan tu sebab dia selalu kena buli. I think this one stems from my worries about taking care of our kids. Can we do it? Are we able to take care of our kids? Will they be a good child dan berguna pada bangsa, ingat pada agama? Argh...besar tanggungjawab tu. Tapi aku tengok semua orang pun ada anak, semua orang pun didik anak. We will mold our kids like we want, i'll make sure of that.

Then aku pernah mimpi aku menyiasat kehilangan batu permata kat satu hotel 6 star. It was so real. Cari-cari...pelik tu, aku siap boleh tanya orang hotel pasal pakej perkahwinan plak dah. Pastu last-last aku jumpa baru permata tu tersembunyi kat dia punya patung hiasan kat lobi. Then aku bawak batu permata tu gi bus stop, nak belek kat situ. This one, is just a confusion in me. Ni masa early pregnancy dulu. Masa ni aku punya fikiran dan emosi tidak stabil langsung.....hahaha.

I did some research that say quite a number of pregnant woman have vivid and real dreams. Its because of the extreme changes on their body, the hormones, the strong emotions. Oh well....things are getting better now. We'll see what more dreams i will have. Its like my sleep entertainment. I have entertainment while i sleep....cool or what? ;)

Till next time.

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Busy Husbands

Hyneas...

Some of my married friends have busy husbands. Like, many of 'em. Cam aku gak. Cam laki aku. Its frustrating sometimes. And it has a pattern y'know. The busy guys are usually in the networking fields and programming side.

My husband is a busy guy. He is in the networking field. As you all know (or if u dont know), networking is a critical aspect in todays business. Plak tu network ni, tak pasal-pasal suke je down. Cam ada mood plak network nih. And then if there is no network, no communications, no transaction....all goes down. Kaput. So wey, korang imagine la kalo tiba2 network down, betapa busynye laki aku....waarrgghhhh!! Kalo tiba-tiba takde hujan takde ribut Katrina, 30 node down....involves network Malaysia ni tau, bukan network account-account tu je. Telefon tu kalo tak bunyi maksudnye dah kong la. Selagi hidup, selagi tu la berbunyi. Pastu dia balik kol 7 pagi keesokannya! Apa kau nak kata?

Nak marah ke ape? Aku kan....nak marah, ringan la mulut nak marah. Tapi bile aku tengok muka dia penat....(aku at least bleh tido, dia tu berjaga sepanjang malam), aku jadi cam tak sampai hati wohh. Instead, i tell my baby in my tummy...."Abah keje kuat. Semalam dia tak balik sebab keje. Untuk kite jugak tau."

I hope the baby understand...and pray for his abah. Then peanut gave me one soft push in the stomach. Baby is listening.... =)

Din is a manager. Manager ni ada sorang je tau untuk satu team. Anak-anak buah ada la ramai. So aku nak kata ape, kalau dia kata manager team kena ada kat site. Siapa lagi kalau bukan dia. Dah atas dahi dia ada cop manager. Responsibility ni kadang kala sucks juga. Kalo ada tak kena....ko kena ler menjawab.

Tapi, aku sure.....husbands yang busy ni, they want nothing more than to stay at home with their wife and kids....atau bermain golf (roll eyes). Think about it, its better than anything, im sure. But, somehow...they are stuck there for many reason. Variety of reasons. Daripada work delegation yg lemah, kepada kurang tenaga mahir, kepada kelemahan sususan organisasi....atau juga memang ada problem yang tak boleh nak elak. Like, memang dah nak jadi problem gitu. We can just hope they will overcome the problem la....kire tak berterusan. In the meantime, our husbands have to work and pay for it all.

And im sure, husbands do try their best to juggle work and home.....oh, and maybe golf (roll eyes). Sometimes you can see their effort....like dodging calls =D (alahai, kantoi tak?). Tapi sampai bile kan? We can just hope things change. Or maybe they will do something about it....before we, go burn their offices down =D.

As for my husband, i have patience still. I know he's trying his best to juggle time. And as bengang as i am, i appreciate him too. Lets be patience....and hope for the best. Till next time folks...x0x0

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